In general, sludge metal tends to shy away from sexual topics; it’s sort of against the ethics of the genre. However, I have thought of a few exceptions to this rule, and wanted to make a mix tape of sludge metal songs about sex that a lucky couple could…get it on to. These are the only four I could come up with so far:

Baroness, “Jake Leg” - Definitely about cunnilingus (oral sex performed on a woman). Yes, the album is loosely based on the struggles of Confederate soldiers, but it seems like this soldier got a little lucky:

Lady!
Keep those hounds at bay
Feed me
The fruits of Avalon

The body’s a vessel
The hands find a cure
“Flesh is weak!” and my lip needs a meal

Weak in the knees
And you’re wet on the floor
“Ace of staves!” we will dance evermore…

For those of you not familiar with tarot cards or the occult, the Staves (or wands) symbolize passion and desire. An Ace in this suit represents a pivotal moment that will set forth a chain of events that will lead one to achieving his or her desired goal. In “Jake Leg”, this just means that Da Baiz has a 100% chance of munching on this girl’s peach cobbler. Also, the word “dance” has been used as a euphamism for sex throughout the centuries, so…yeah :)

Electric Wizard, “Venus in Furs” - Not a cover of the Velvet Underground song of the same name, but both songs were inspired by the writings of the same man, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the father of Masochism.

I am the Zodiac, I am the stars,
You are the sorceress, my priestess of Mars,
Queen of the night, swathed in satin black,
Your ivory flesh upon my torture rack.

More occult imagery abounds. Mars was the god of war and turbulence, so this could be metaphorical for conquering a woman who was seemingly unconquerable. Either that or Jus Osborne was really stoned when he wrote this and thought the lyrics sounded trippy. I’m kind of leaning towards the latter.

Mastodon, “Stargasm” - Brann Dailor has said that this diddy is about having sex in space, which may or may not have been inspired by a Discovery Channel special on the same theme.

Awake in the moment,
Awaken the heart.
Look to the spirits,
Stargasm glows,
Stargasm…

And then we shift into overdrive,
But you’re not here.
And your legs and the stars collide,
You’re on fire / You’re on fire / You’re on fire…

Sounds like Brann (who likely wrote these lyrics, although Brent sings them) desires a sexual experience that connects him to his partner on a spiritual level, that awakens both parties to the wonders of fucking in the cosmos. There’s also a good deal of owl references in this song. In Celtic mythology, owls were wise messengers that provided insight into secrets and hidden truths, and could act as a medium between earthly creatures and spirits in the underworld. As with many of Dailor’s lyrics, themes of death and the afterlife weigh heavily on his mind, even during orgasmic rapture. Also note that orgasms have been nicknamed “little deaths” in French culture, and the word “die” was often used as a metaphor for an orgasm in the middle ages.

Torche, “Fuck Addict” - Despite the straight-forward name, the lyrics are a wee bit more cryptic (as is typical with sludge metal lyrics). Openly gay front man Steve Brooks probably wrote this one about how much he likes gay sex. That would make sense.

Your expressions explain everything, and I’d like to turn you on.
Pleasure is absence of pain.
Blood is withdrawn from art and joy.
Rest does not restore passion.
My fire will coat your chill, and I’d like to turn you on.

It looks like Steve just really wants to get this guy in the mood and fuck his brains out. He’s reassuring his mate that some really good sex will take his mind off of the negative aspects of life. The line about blood being drawn…well, you can use your imagination on that one. I’m not going to get too smutty here. Steve’s fire coating this guy’s chill simply means that he’s going to come on so hot and heavy to this guy that he will have to get rid of that icy chip on his shoulder and do some sheet-tumbling with Steve by night’s end.

Haha, so that’s all I could come up with. Do you know of any more songs in sludge/stoner/doom metal with overt sexual themes?

I was just reading through a thread on some message board where guys were discussing the “hottest chicks in metal”. Someone brought up Laura Pleasants and how he thought she was much more beautiful for just being herself and not trying to be a busty pin-up. This same user also posted that quote Laura made about not wanting to wear skimpy clothes on stage. Apparently, everyone else thought Laura was “ugly” or “jealous of prettier girls” and proceeded to call her some not-so-nice names.

Umm…are they fucking blind? This is ugly?

This really goes back to the whole Diva/Centerfold argument I made in my Women of Sludge Metal article a few months ago. Women in metal are expected to either be Goth princesses with operatic vocals, or they’re supposed to look (and act) like suicide girls.

Not trying to razz on any specific woman, but sometimes I think that more mainstream metal fans don’t know what to do with themselves when they see a woman who has real hair, natural looking skin, less makeup, wears jeans and t-shirts, plays a mean guitar, and has three different vocal styles.

Women like Laura are attractive to other sludge enthusiasts, but it seems like a large majority of male metal fans, especially those in more mainstream sub-genres, want their girls to look like Maria Brink or Simone Simons. Guess my point is that maybe Laura’s natural, stripped-down look isn’t your cup of tea, but she definitely isn’t ugly. She was cute back when she looked like Lisa Loeb, and she’s pretty as a blond, too.

End rant.

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Damn.

My mom and I went throught something similar last night, except it was twice as embarrassing.

I was bored and there wasn’t much on TV, so I put it on VH1 and they were re-running an episode of Tough Love Couples. Now keep in mind that I like Tough Love when it just focuses on women, but Steve giving couples advice is kind of silly, seeing as how he’s not really in a relationship himself (that’s why I don’t tune in much). But anyway, the episode dealt with couples buying toys at a sex shop to enhance their bedroom activities. Oh joy, my mother was in the room.

At one point, this guy on the show was talking about handcuffs and how he wanted to use them on his girlfriend, ect. I commented, “There’s no way in hell I’d let a guy tie me up. He’d be the one getting tied up!”. Of course, my conservative Christian mother was slightly disturbed by this. You know what I just did? I made a really, really big mistake by telling my mom about one of my fetishes.

Okay, I’ll put it out there - I playing the dominant role and I like for guys to play the submissive role when it comes to sex. Dominatrix fantasties have been rattling around in my head for years. I don’t want to dominate over a guy in every aspect of his life, but if I was comfortable with a man and we were in a committed relationship, I don’t see the big deal in breaking out the whips and handcuffs. Finding a man who was turned on by playing the submissive role would be a Godsend. It’s fun and it’s also a stress reliever - after a long day of being bossed around and bitched at by others on your job or at school, it would finally be my turn to have some erotic, playful control of my own.

After explaining that to my mom, she chimes in with “sex isn’t supposed to be about control, it’s an expression of love. If you enjoy inflicting pain on a man that way, then there’s something psychologically wrong with you”. Furthermore, she said that I was “afraid of being controlled or hurt”, so I want to be the one who controls and hurts others.

At this point, I was little more than humiliated. Part of me really wishes I had an older woman in my life that I could comfortably talk to about sex, but I don’t. I’ve always had a natural interest and curiosity about sexual topics and also about discovering what my body responds to, but talking to my mom about those kinds of things is like talking to a priest - uncomfortable and awkward.

Of course, my mom thinks that a priest or pastor is the ideal person to talk to about sexual problems. Unless it’s an open-minded guy like Mark Driscoll (seriously, look for him on YouTube - he’s a pastor that gives sex advice to teens and young adults), I couldn’t do it. Talking to someone with religious authority about how I like for men to scream during the throes of passion would absolutely mortify me. I’ve always had that “hell” tag over my head even when I was the kid who quietly peeked in on my dad watching porn in the middle of the night.

Now get it straight: I’m not a promiscuous person, but I do think about sex quite a bit. If men think about sex every seven seconds, then I think about it ever 4.5 seconds. Maybe that’s weird for a woman but that’s how my brain operates. My mom is right the opposite - very vanilla and prudish. As a child I was racked with sexual curiosity but was always terrified of ever talking to anyone about it, which coupled with my dad’s pedophilia caused a number of emotional problems later in life. It’s taking a long time to undo the damage cause by fear that was done from a young age.

But to directly address the original topic, I don’t like most bras either. That’s why I wear something stretchy like a sports bra, so I won’t feel like anything’s there but the puppies will still be pushed up. I’m a 36D and can’t afford to go without one. Trust me, if I could get away with it, I would. I’m not a fan of anything that makes me feel too girly. That aside, life is about accepting the positions that people force upon you, so if I’m supposed to be a woman who enjoys meteoker missionary sex and underwires, then by Job that’s what I have to do.

For now at least.